I’m not handicapped

Loved ones like to point out often how awesome science is and how close we are to finding a cure for Type 1 Diabetes. I’m pretty skeptical, however. It’s pretty obvious that despite the glamorous titles to these articles, my life isn’t changing. What I’m excited for is getting my gear to improve and make me more healthy! I think it’s healthier to have realistic excitement rather than having this staring contest with these miracle claims that you will inevitably lose. “But, Rachel, they’re making so much improvement! You’ll probably see the end of Type 1 Diabetes in your lifetime!” Sure, I guess, but I reckon that it won’t happen till I’m at least 60. So who will win this staring contest?

Should I live the majority of my life wincing every year in disappointment as yet another year passes without my life significantly changing? No. I won’t. I am way more excited to think about my CGM and pump getting a little slimmer and better. It’s far more realistic and obtainable in the next few years. I think it’s worth relishing these tiny miracles! I sigh a breath of relief knowing that they’re taking steps to get Type 1 more manageable and less painful. That is more valuable to me than getting excited over nothing.

Another thing that’s been bothering me are those dogs that can smell when you have low blood sugar and alert you. My family love to bring them up. Sure, I guess some people desperately need help, and a dog is the perfect solution. But as for me, I’ll stick with my Dexcom. I don’t need a dog to save me when I’m low. It feels almost demeaning to assume that a dog can help me more than I can help myself. Besides, I have my Dex to chime at me when I’m running on the low or high side. And I might add, I usually can tell I’m low or high before it goes off.

Even if I don’t need a science update, or a dog, or a bombarding ad about how “Diabetics” need a special diet cookbook, I get it anyway. I will not forget that my disease is hard, and I have lots of options to help me. I mean can’t we just forget the crap-talk? Success stories are great, but at the end of the day I don’t need to know about how someone’s aunt uses a diabetic dog and is doing great. I don’t want to hear yet again that the cure is just around the corner. It’s really just exhausting to keep up with these self-help conversations. I don’t need special cookbooks that use Splenda exclusively to help me live a delicious, diabetic life! I’m just trying to survive as painlessly as possible. I’m just trying to feel like I’m living a normal life.

Pump Apprehension

I’m meeting to get trained for an insulin pump on Saturday, just a few days, and I’m apprehensive.

Positive:

Long life/good health

I’ll have healthy kids

Negative:

Something is always attached to you

You’re never naked

Love life will be awkward

Dressing cute might be a challenge with a small box attached to a tube connecting to who knows where

My stomach is sensitive to shots (that seems like it would be the easiest spot to put the needle)

I cried about it the other night while Jared sat with me. He’s convinced it will be okay, although I’m not quite sure. I’ve been doing multiple injections every day for nine years… It’s hard to think about something different. All I can think about is how hard it’s going to be.

Pros and Cons to Life and the Pump

I’ve had the pump for a while now (since april-ish) and things are going well mostly.

The Pros:

One injection every three days!

Not buying long acting anymore costs less money

Insurance paid for pump costs

Doing injections in public is now the thing of the past (phew)

It figures out how much insulin I need based on my blood sugar and food I’m eating which is pretty awesome.

What’s the same:

Taking my count  5 billion times a day (hack)

Lows

Highs

Crippling dispare

What kinda sucks about it:

There is something attached to you every moment (minus when you disconnect to shower and things like that)

I’ve snagged my tube out walking more than once

And I’m not even kidding, this point needs two because even if it doesn’t come out, it hurts like heck.

If my set is connected to my arm (somewhere public to an audience) people like to comment on it. I got really freaked out at the grocery store when the guy behind me was all, “How’d ya get that in ther?!” And I told him I just shove it up there and tried to walk away as fast as possible. I actually was really angry about this. I don’t usually get super pissed, but I just felt so jipped at life that day because I want to just go shopping and not be treated as diseased. Not to mention that my arm is the most comfortable place for the pump to be. And it’s summer. I’m not going out in a long-sleeve.

But there’s always gonna be more sucky things associated with diabetes than positive. And that is something I’ve struggled with. I always try to look for the positive in a situation, and sometimes the situation just really really sucks. My husband is the only one who can really remind me at those times that there’s tomorrow. There’s that one last breath of hope lying a sunrise away. He told me this morning when I was crying that I woke up with a 221 count that everything will be okay. Sometimes he has to say it a few times before I believe him, but I do. Sometimes I don’t believe him and continue to try to feel bad about myself, but that in itself just sucks. So I try to think about the positives as much as I can. 🙂 It helps to just let things roll of your shoulders sometimes because I swear, if I stressed about every little thing that went wrong, I’d be a lot less healthy. I would have psychological healing to do. And I have days for that too.

But anyway, I’m happy with my life. There’s more to life than diabetes, although that’s all it seems sometimes. Diabetes is the way we live, not what we live for. There’s no alternative, but that doesn’t mean we can’t laugh and be happy the same day we cry and feel low. Wipe that tear away and look at that sunrise.

Search for the Perfect Pump

The insurance I have now pays for a lot of the insulin pump! I’m going to get one! I’m super excited and so is Jared. We’ve been looking at a lot of information, but it’s hard to find something perfect. It’s like picking out a limb that you’ll have for the rest of your life… It’s scary. I wish I knew which one was the best.

Even though it’s scary to commit to something like this, I know that it will benefit my life tremendously. It will help me when I’m pregnant too! In a couple of years when a baby comes, I think it will be worth the worry I’m going through now.

Wedding Bells

I decided that just because I can’t afford a pump, doesn’t mean I’m going to die. I’ll show them! HA! I’ll just stay on top of everything and be smart.

I’ve been doing a lot of testing though, and my fingers hurt more now it seems.. Ouch! Oh well, what can ya do? Life goes on.

Life update: Jared and I got married last month! I’m happier than a hot fudge sundae! Mmm.. that sounds good.

(more later!)

The Scrooge of Medicine

Life is going well for this diabetic, straight A’s in all my classes, and falling more in love with Jared every day. Diabetes is on the back-burner, it’s not in control of my life!

But I have to face it.

As I grow older the back burner has been slowly moving closer to the front, at times catching my shirt on fire. I put it out and look once again for a way to cool this heat. It controls me daily now.

Shots just aren’t enough anymore. My blood sugar levels would dangerously drop at night. Sugar is more affecting to my body. I feel different.

But I can’t afford an insulin pump. It’s too expensive and I have no money. We’re poor. I feel mad at the bourgeois who set the prices. Why on EARTH does it cost so much?

Well, do you know what?

They’ll get the money because we can’t afford not to buy it.

And those who can’t will die.