Take Courage, my Heart

Poems and Things

The smouldering body that remains
was drenched in flames last night.
A steady heart still sounds today
though wearied from the fight.

“Each beat could be the last,” I said.
“No, not yet,” I replied.

I’m evergreen, like pine.
I’m a dance on the hands of time.
Life cannot beat the courage from me. Not as long as I can rhyme.

There’s a soul inside me
and even if I die
I’ll live on in eternity
with loved ones by my side.

And there will be no pain,
pride nor coward be.
Just a dusty memory
and what courage rewarded me.


1st Trimester=Mission Accomplished

Diabetes is Just a Word

My bundle of joy at our 12 week ultrasound! Everything looks healthy.

I’ve arrived at my second trimester today, YAY! Fourteen weeks has brought me a baby the size of a lemon and I am bursting at the rim with excitement to meet ’em! I’m not quite bursting at the belly yet, but I’ve begun to see my tummy expanding slightly. I blamed it on being bloated for a bit (and rightly so), but now the bloat doesn’t go away. My tummy is starting to expose my secret! Ah! I want to start sharing the news with acquaintances starting Sunday when I’ll be a few days shy of 15 weeks. It’s also a perfect opportunity to take Valentine Day pictures with the ultrasound, haha… Anyway I think it’s about time.

About the Lows:

For about half of my first trimester I have experienced quite a bit of extreme lows (my goodness, the lows..). It’s natural for non-diabetics to have lower sugar too because of the serious progesterone levels in the bloodstream. But tacking type 1 onto it is really hard because I’d drop so low at night and before breakfast. I have to take a thyroid pill 30 minutes before eating every morning too, so low blood sugar makes it a little tough to keep to the rules. For a total of three times, I’ve been super low, taken the pill, and thrown up. I don’t know if it was related, but I thought I’d mention that. I focus on the lows at night time, but the day time lows were  bad too. Let me just share a word of advice: Never buy Lara Bar Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip bars! Other Lara bar flavors are wonderful, but NEVER buy the Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip kind because it tastes like absolute crap. I had to eat a crap-ton of them because I carry bars when I’m out of the house and now am scarred for life.

Where I’m at today:

As I am transitioning into the second trimester I’m noticing my blood sugars are getting slightly better with the lows, but even worse with the highs… So yeah I’m changing my basal and bolus levels rather consistently without going overboard. I’m working with my Endocrinologist to get things straightened out, although I blame him for messing with me levels in the first place. Word to the wise: Don’t let someone mess with your pump settings when you disagree with what they are going to do. Bad idea. Nope. This is your body they are messing with. Don’t let someone else make decisions for you if you disagree.

Boiling Blood Blues

Diabetes is Just a Word

Life sucks, it just sucks! My blood sugar has been unpredictable the last day with a count over 300 most of the time. Times like this are really hard and I want to give up;can’t the Lord take me now? It’s not just the physical aspect of feeling terrible, there’s psychological too. Jared and I plan to have a baby, but with blood sugars like these I’d be lucky to have one that’s not totally screwed up. I can’t do it, I can’t do it! How do type 1 moms do it without losing their minds?

I almost feel like it’s the irresponsible thing to have my own kids, although I want them so badly. Almost a week ago I had a scary low at 5 am in which Jared had to help me drink chocolate milk and stuff. Afterwards I shot up really high and felt terrible for a few days. The thought occurred to me, “I don’t want our kids to see me like this”. Of seeing their mother unable to say complete sentences and needing help. I want to be a strong mother who takes care of her kids really well, not the other way around.

So I don’t know, guys, I just feel really down this morning. Maybe it’s the boiling blood talking and I’ll feel better once I cool down. I need hope. My faith is waning thin and I need to know if God will really fix this and help me through. I need to go pray I think. Then after church today I will hopefully feel better. I love all you guys! Hold on for me, okay?



Cloud-Coeur d’alene, Summer 2015

Insulin left in the Car!

Diabetes is Just a Word


My blood sugar was terrible the last few days, just terrible! I woke at 3 or 4 in the morning to a count of 365 and 466 respectively! I was so confused and feeling so sick the entire day yesterday, that I felt defeated. There was NO reason for blood sugar to be so high…

But then we remembered that 4 days ago today I left my insulin pump in the hot car while we went white water rafting. I felt that it was a terrible idea, but I had forgotten to pack a cooler or something so I just left it there. Forgetting ice almost killed me a few days later. Isn’t that terrible? Ugh.

I want to express just how blessed I am. Because when I was crying myself to sleep the first night, I prayed to God to send angels to comfort me. I calmed down soon after and felt peace. I fell asleep with no more tears. He heard me in my hour of need, and I know that. The Lord taught me a lesson in the early morning hours of July 20th, 2015. Patience in my infirmities, humility, and faith. Perhaps, dare I say, it was worth it to have left my insulin in 90 degree weather.


Diabetes is Just a Word


When you are a diabetic, life is ritualistic, instinctual, day-by-day. Every person differs, with an array of personal worries, but it all boils down to the same thing: to live.

I don’t think some people get it, those who aren’t fully acquainted with Diabetes. The first thing that I think would come to mind when they see or hear the word is somebody who’s fat. Do they think of a ravenous beast consuming case after case of butter? They might, but that’s not who we are.

I was diagnosed a few months after starting middle school, and let me tell you, it’s tough almost dying when you’re twelve. It’s no cupcake walk straight afterwards changing your whole lifestyle with needles and stinging medication. Type 1 Juvenile Diabetes is not for the faint-hearted.

The truth is, most people that develop Diabetes get it from their genes, and most Type 2’s aren’t morbidly obese. Not at all. In fact, most overweight people don’t have Diabetes.

This disease is serious. It kills more people a year than AIDS and breast cancer combined. There are very real problems that can develop in the heart, mind, fingers and toes, and eyes. This issue has crippling affects on the body. Without knowing any better, people tend to blow off Diabetes as white noise, and focus on sympathizing with the diseases that have more prominent affects such as cancer.

I’m not disrespecting this heart-wrenching disease at all. It has viciously killed many people, and puts them through a long, and sometimes short, painful journey. The pain those feel with cancer is well-publicized through newspaper stories, and internet inspirations. This is the worst of all diseases.

Think for a moment of the public you passed by today. Did you brush arms with a stranger? Who was the person sitting across from you on the subway? They may have had burdens unshared with the world. They carried on silently, not a word about their worries. These are the Diabetics around you.

We worry about:

High blood sugar

“Do I have an extra vial?”

Paying for over-priced medicine. The price just went up.

Insurance doesn’t cover enough

“If I eat this, will I regret it later?”

How many carbs are in….

Going to the doctor AGAIN

“I better eat before I go to sleep. I’m not hungry.”

Waking up in the morning

“Will I be able to have kids?”

This is a day in the life of a diabetic. But we still keep going.