The smouldering body that remains
was drenched in flames last night.
A steady heart still sounds today
though wearied from the fight.
“Each beat could be the last,” I said.
“No, not yet,” I replied.
I’m evergreen, like pine.
I’m a dance on the hands of time.
Life cannot beat the courage from me. Not as long as I can rhyme.
There’s a soul inside me
and even if I die
I’ll live on in eternity
with loved ones by my side.
And there will be no pain,
pride nor coward be.
Just a dusty memory
and what courage rewarded me.
Life sucks, it just sucks! My blood sugar has been unpredictable the last day with a count over 300 most of the time. Times like this are really hard and I want to give up;can’t the Lord take me now? It’s not just the physical aspect of feeling terrible, there’s psychological too. Jared and I plan to have a baby, but with blood sugars like these I’d be lucky to have one that’s not totally screwed up. I can’t do it, I can’t do it! How do type 1 moms do it without losing their minds?
I almost feel like it’s the irresponsible thing to have my own kids, although I want them so badly. Almost a week ago I had a scary low at 5 am in which Jared had to help me drink chocolate milk and stuff. Afterwards I shot up really high and felt terrible for a few days. The thought occurred to me, “I don’t want our kids to see me like this”. Of seeing their mother unable to say complete sentences and needing help. I want to be a strong mother who takes care of her kids really well, not the other way around.
So I don’t know, guys, I just feel really down this morning. Maybe it’s the boiling blood talking and I’ll feel better once I cool down. I need hope. My faith is waning thin and I need to know if God will really fix this and help me through. I need to go pray I think. Then after church today I will hopefully feel better. I love all you guys! Hold on for me, okay?
My blood sugar was terrible the last few days, just terrible! I woke at 3 or 4 in the morning to a count of 365 and 466 respectively! I was so confused and feeling so sick the entire day yesterday, that I felt defeated. There was NO reason for blood sugar to be so high…
But then we remembered that 4 days ago today I left my insulin pump in the hot car while we went white water rafting. I felt that it was a terrible idea, but I had forgotten to pack a cooler or something so I just left it there. Forgetting ice almost killed me a few days later. Isn’t that terrible? Ugh.
I want to express just how blessed I am. Because when I was crying myself to sleep the first night, I prayed to God to send angels to comfort me. I calmed down soon after and felt peace. I fell asleep with no more tears. He heard me in my hour of need, and I know that. The Lord taught me a lesson in the early morning hours of July 20th, 2015. Patience in my infirmities, humility, and faith. Perhaps, dare I say, it was worth it to have left my insulin in 90 degree weather.
Life’s good. The pump still is awesome and terrible at the same time (please refer to the post before this one). My last A1C was 5.1, which was down right amazing! My doctor was shocked. I was struggling with lows though, so that factored in pretty bad. I did some tweaking to my pump settings helping with my lows, but now I’m getting more high. I REALLY hate being high. It makes me freaked out. I just hate the idea that my toes could stop feeling someday, and for a blotch to appear in my vision. I’m scared all the time. I worry myself into the ground about what I should do. Recently, I’ve been trying to counter-act that by just fixing the problem when it comes without the emotions. I suppress the anxiety the best I can, and continue on my day. When I do that, Jared doesn’t have to worry as much. I don’t want to weary him constantly with ailments that will always come back to haunt me. I don’t want him to worry.