Boiling Blood Blues

Diabetes is Just a Word

Life sucks, it just sucks! My blood sugar has been unpredictable the last day with a count over 300 most of the time. Times like this are really hard and I want to give up;can’t the Lord take me now? It’s not just the physical aspect of feeling terrible, there’s psychological too. Jared and I plan to have a baby, but with blood sugars like these I’d be lucky to have one that’s not totally screwed up. I can’t do it, I can’t do it! How do type 1 moms do it without losing their minds?

I almost feel like it’s the irresponsible thing to have my own kids, although I want them so badly. Almost a week ago I had a scary low at 5 am in which Jared had to help me drink chocolate milk and stuff. Afterwards I shot up really high and felt terrible for a few days. The thought occurred to me, “I don’t want our kids to see me like this”. Of seeing their mother unable to say complete sentences and needing help. I want to be a strong mother who takes care of her kids really well, not the other way around.

So I don’t know, guys, I just feel really down this morning. Maybe it’s the boiling blood talking and I’ll feel better once I cool down. I need hope. My faith is waning thin and I need to know if God will really fix this and help me through. I need to go pray I think. Then after church today I will hopefully feel better. I love all you guys! Hold on for me, okay?

-Rachel

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Cloud-Coeur d’alene, Summer 2015

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